i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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