do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
