My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Randomize
