I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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