On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Randomize
