i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
