I feel great
I just peed on a car
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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