I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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