apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
