I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
You're a waste of cheezeits
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
