your room smells of hookers.
And success
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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