life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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