I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
