You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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