The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
