They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Semen is not good for contacts.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Randomize
