the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
