How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
