I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
