I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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