Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
