this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
