I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
