If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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