"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
