wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
