I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
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