I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Randomize
