she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Holy sore nipples Batman
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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