I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
i came on her dog
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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