My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
