some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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