So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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