We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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