and you said cock pushups were impossible
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
