If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Couch. On fire.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
