I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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