Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Randomize
