i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
He felt like a one man threesome
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
