non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
