man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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