Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
