hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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