If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
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