I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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