Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
