I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
