her vagine was all disorganized.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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