I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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