I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
