I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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